IV - She used to be the sweetest girl ever .

There's so long time I haven't been seeing myself saying " I love you " to someone.

     And I saw so much love flowing through my fingers as water... Even though I tried, he would be gone anyway. Do you know what I mean? I used to be the sweetest girl ever. Yeah, it almost can't be true, but yes, it is. Nowadays, who sees me outside walking down the alleys think I'm a cold one. Someone who doesn't believe in love, fairytales or soft words. Someone who you should keep your distance. Perhaps. I may  never get over my first or second passion hangover. The headache must pass one day, and I hope it could happen soon. In the course of time, I began to get cold.. Do you remember how hot I used to be when we were together? Now, I’m always freezing. It’s so strange. I have to accepct, wheter I want to or not. I’d never feel like this before: powerless. 

  While I was staring all the city’s spotlights, I realized what I didn’t want to: in my plain life I  ended up making right decisions in wrong moments. Once, I read something like this: It doesn’t matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back. I wish it could be foolproof. I got caught for myself in million lies practically choking me. Until I start wondering how many men a woman can love? When you’re void and your heart stops beating to try to feel something, the questions show up. I need a new heart as a gift. I can’t feel anything. Netheir love nor hate. I can’t laugh or cry. Only think over and over. 

  I know, certainly, a lot of women have already asked it for themselfs once in life. Some stages of growth, you misunderstand own feelings. Sometimes, there’s three or four guys in your mind. One is in love and respectful, he calls every single day to say good night, darling, but you don’t feel being honest when you answer: Good Night too, sweet; the other is someone for the future, to have a beautiful and big family, children with his blue eyes.. this one missed you in a trivial mistake in the past, though. this one were your first love; the third is the right kind of the wrong guy, that person who makes you feel free and enjoy doing everything, but you won’t need smiles all the time.. you have to have a place where you feel safe. this is just your little decoy; the last one is your newest favorite, who you thought you could fall in love with again, but woke you up before it happened. What you thought was being a sweet dream.. it was being only a beautiful nightmare. You love pieces of all of them, so, how many men a woman can love? 

They can be in my mind, but none of them really are in my heart. 

     I’m just sick of stagy behaviors, liar’s eyes, empty feelings. People can’t be sincere, can they? We don’t know if we really have all this time to waste. Someday I'll start believing again. Someday, somehow I’m going to find my “somebody” who will love me passionately, with every thought and with every breath, and it won’t be a lie or a farce. The same day I will let him in. The same day I’ll break this safe around my heart. On the same beautiful day I'll come back being the sweetest girl ever. 

Life’s so rare and . .  

by the way, is love everything?  

Giovanna Malavolta